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My fiancee has a 5 year old daughter by a previous marriage. His ex-wife has remarried, and along with her new husband, causes a lot of conflict regarding visitation and other custody issues. We have tried counselling together, but after two sessions his ex and her husband quit, saying my fiancee did not have the "right attitude." He has the need to discuss this situation with me, but after a while it really upsets me. The little girl is just precious and I know that she is being hurt because of the unwillingness of the adults to forgive and compromise.
Probably the best advice I can give you is, "Listen, but do not offer an opinion or advice." Probably anything you say will be held against you and it is just too hard not to get emotionally involved.
Unfortunately, your scenario is just all too common. Unresolved hurts from the first marriage will keep coming up until your fiancee resolves them, usually through good counselling (and it may be time consuming and expensive). There are some good books out now for the step-parent. My favourite is a tape on step-parenting called Secrets of Step-Parenting that can be ordered by phone, 1-800-338-4065, through the "love and logic parenting" people. They have a lot of good parenting tapes and books. It seems to me that you are making the best you can of a bad situation and you are right--you have to take care of your own emotional health.
If you find yourself slipping, pick up a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beatti. It may seem mean to some people, but this is basically your fiancee's problem. You can support him by listening but not much more. You have no authority or responsibility. Let me know how it goes.
Dr. Ginger Gabriel, Ph.D., M.F.T., is an author and speaker as well as a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California. With Master of Arts degrees in counseling and missions and a Ph.D. in psychology, she has traveled to Asia, the Middle East and throughout North American giving her four-to fifteen-hour relationship and counseling skill-building seminars.
Her favorite pastimes are kayaking, quilting, hiking and reading novels. She is married to Dr. Stan Gabriel. They have three children and three grandchildren.