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by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
My husband and I have been separated for a while now and he is thinking of returning home. On one hand I want him to and on the other I am not sure because of many fears I have. What would be your advice in handling this? What should I do and/or what should I not do?
Thank you for writing. I would suggest that now is the best time for you to make some requests before your husband comes back. Ask him first what 2 or 3 changes you could make to improve your marriage relationship. Then you can ask him to make 2 or 3 changes that you feel would improve your relationship. Since he wants to come back you can conclude that he wants to work on the marriage.
Ask him to attend marriage counseling with you or go to a Christian Marriage retreat. Read the following book together. You can check out the Prep web site for a "Fighting for Your Marriage" retreat near you. You can also order their video tapes and watch them together if you can't attend a retreat. The Prep marriage enrichment program is one of the best in the country and the videos are worth every penny since it will help you save your marriage.
Fighting for Your Marriage : Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg, Dean S. Edell
You seem anxious about your husband returning. May I ask why? Was he abusive, either physically or verbally? Or maybe you had difficulty with conflicts? What do you mean by "messing up again"? I can only guess at what the core problems are in your marriage.
Usually, couples have problems with communication and conflict. This is because relationships need a lot of work. Couples have many differences to negotiate and work out, ie., personalities, gender, values, beliefs, backgrounds, expectations, goals, parenting, in-laws, and more! But in my experience when couples begin to bend a little and make some positive changes, their relationship takes a turn for the better! Giving up is probably the worst thing that can happen. Making some small positive communication and behavioral changes along with prayer, support and encouragement through retreats, church and counseling can give you hope instead of despair; understanding instead of assumption, caring instead of resentment.
Unless there has been physical abuse or unfaithfulness, I would encourage you to take your spouse back. Physical abuse problems need counseling and relationship interventions to stop the escalation . Unfaithfulness needs to be confessed with a commitment to restore the marriage. Seek pastoral counseling as well.
You can find a counselor at www.aacc.net or go to the nearest mental health center.
© copyright 2003 Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC, is a Marriage and Family Counselor and National Certified Counselor, author and speaker. She is the Executive Chair of the Chicagoland CBWC: Connecting Business Women to Christ organization. Lynette is co-founder of CounselCare Connection, P.C. providing online & office counseling for individuals, couples and families. Lynette regularly presents marriage, assertiveness, grief and divorce recovery, anger and stress management seminars.
Read Lynette Hoy's book, What's Good About Anger? It can be ordered online at: www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com or Amazon.com. Visit Mrs. Hoy's other sites: www.hoyweb.com, www.counselcareconnection.org, www.lifecareweb.com.